There’s a reason we say “grow a pair” in the comedy industry - and we don’t mean ovaries.
Women just aren’t funny.
But before I get into that, I guess I should introduce myself and explain why I’m right.
My name is Dan, I’m 24 and I’ve been doing comedy for 2 years.
I’m a local legend at any open mic I walk into, and I can get the hosts to put me up whenever I come through. None of those bullshit “wait list” or “lottery” signups for me anymore.
It took my first year of standup to get a tight 5 onstage and I spend my spare time watching Legion of Skanks and Alex Jones. Donald Trump followed me back on Twitter before they censored him.
Long story short: I put in the WORK.
And I just can’t stand it when a woman steps on stage to talk about whatever bullshit she thinks she’s going through.
The mic I hit last night is a perfect example.
It was my favorite showcase, too: late night at a dive bar just outside of downtown, where the wells are cheap and the manager doesn’t care that we do coke in the bathroom. Just as long as we share some with him.
I was stoked to try out some new material, since I haven’t done that in a minute. It’s important, even at open mics, to keep your good material in the mix and use your 3 minutes onstage to repeat the same jokes over and over again.
That’s how you get your reps in and learn that it’s usually the audience’s fault if you bomb.
Anyway, I stepped out of the coke bathroom (sorry, the “family washroom”) to prep in the back with my bros and get some last-minute punch-ups for my new premise.
And some bitch had her name pulled from the bucket.
No worries, I told the host to pull a few names before throwing me up. I needed to write a bit more, since I was busy all day grinding at my day job.*
So this “lady” steps onstage, grabs the mic like she thinks she’s Dave Chappelle, and starts whining about her boyfriend.
Everyone knows you should NEVER talk about your boyfriend if you’re a chick onstage. That’s the fastest way to stop getting booked.
What dude wants to have a woman on his lineup if he can’t try to slide one in after the show?
Anyway, she gets a few pity laughs from the real people in the audience who got roped into watching a woman try too hard before she got off stage.
Fuck, even I got distracted - I had to remind myself that I wasn’t here to watch other people try. I let myself get pulled away from my writing, and got mad at myself.
So, I turned back to my paper. The most seamless incest joke I’ve ever written was staring back at me, but I knew there was something more to add to it.
After all, I’m tackling real issues in society today.
Why IS it just so hot to watch incest porn??
My guy Randy at the table with me scanned my notes one more time before the host called me up. He added a killer punch to the issue of why fucking your step sister is so much hotter to think about than being the step brother, so I quickly added that to my set list before heading to the stage.
I made a show of wiping the mic after that last chick. Not because COVID is real, but because I wanted her to know how much her set just sucked.
“Yikes, when did we start allowing women to speak when they’re ovulating, am I right? At least we didn’t have to hear about her period this week.”
All the bros at the back table cackled. I knew that would get ‘em.
The rest of the set went okay. There’s always things to learn from a new joke, but the audience also sucked that night.
The normies that were pity-laughing for the chick before me got up right after my intro and left. She probably brought them to support her for being so “brave” at an open mic.
That’s why you can never trust the audience in comedy. They don’t know what funny is - you do.
I know I’m still considered fresh when it comes to doing this, but I listen to all of the major comedy podcasts and I know how this shit works.
I’ve just gotta keep hitting the grind like I am and one day, I’ll be on Rogan’s podcast.
Please don’t take any of this as anti-feminist. As a straight dude, I love women.
They SHOULD be getting what they want, like splitting the bill with me after a date. Because equality, right?
All I’m saying is that if a woman is funny, it’s because she used to be a dude or hasn’t come out as a trans man yet. That’s the only time I’ve seen it work.
Anyway, catch me at my upcoming shows:
Gigglepants open mic at Lonestar saloon, 8pm (Tuesdays)
EL oh EL open mic at The Cantina, 10pm (Wednesdays)
Dollar Laughs open mic at Dollar Shots, 9:30pm (First Sunday of the month)
Kill Tony lottery sign up at The Comedy Mothership, 8pm show Mondays
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*waking up at 2pm, selling drugs for 4 hours, and jerking off twice
About the Author
Allison Wojtowecz is a stand-up comedian and actress based in Austin, Texas. She streams her weekly comedy show on her (SFW) OnlyFans and you can follow her at @alliwo on Instagram, or check out her website for upcoming shows.
This satire article is based mostly on real-life things male comedians similar to this "Dan" character have told her throughout her years in the industry.