By Bob Eckstein and R.D. Rosen
Artwork by Bob Eckstein
Every prognosticator with a microphone or blog is parading out their picks for the upcoming 2022 NFL season.
Child’s play.
Here are my predictions for the 2054 NFL season:
NFC North
Team | Wins | Losses |
Green Bay Heat Wave | 19 | 5 |
Minnesota Pickleballers | 14 | 10 |
Detroit Downsize | 11 | 13 |
Chicago Extinct Bears | 11 | 13 |
Silicon Valley Cyborgs | 4 | 20 |
The Green Bay Heat Wave should repeat again in the division that has the highest ratio of humans to robots, if they don’t lose too many players again to space travel or erotic asphyxiation.
NFC South
Team | Wins | Losses |
Atlanta Real Housewives | 19 | 5 |
Houston Moon Shuttles | 18 | 6 |
Tampa Bay Submariners | 12 | 12 |
New Orleans Evacuators | 9 | 15 |
Carolina Kardashians | 4 | 20 |
There are a lot of offensive teams in this division and climate change has the most of the division’s venues underwater and playing their home games once again on Zoom, but the Real Housewives of Atlanta are the real deal.
NFC West
Team | Wins | Losses |
San Francisco LGBTQIAWPMs | 23 | 1 |
Seattle Selfies | 15 | 9 |
Los Angeles Botox | 6 | 18 |
Oakland Quiet Quitters | 5 | 19 |
The Los Angeles Botox can’t catch a break as their new stadium on stilts got wiped out during the off season by the Great Earthquake of 2053.
NFC Europe
Team | Wins | Losses |
Barcelona ExPats | 23 | 1 |
London Queens | 3 | 21 |
NATO Greenhorns | 3 | 21 |
Paris Angry Mimes | 2 | 22 |
Vatican City Predators | 0 | 24 |
The Angry Mimes won’t be doing their hysterical touchdown dances enough to overcome the ExPats in a division that leads the league in penalties because nobody knows the rules. Tom Brady claims this is his last season so expect him wanting to go out winning his 24th straight Super Bowl.
NFC East
Team | Wins | Losses |
The New York Anti-Defamation League | 21 | 3 |
Philadelphia Philibusters | 20 | 4 |
Dallas Drones | 19 | 5 |
The Football Team Formerly Known as the Washington Woke | 16 | 8 |
Sydney Kangaroos | 0 | 24 |
This division has been ravished by political correctness and ligation, but this year we give the nod to New York and its rookie sensation Alianna Manning, Peyton’s great-granddaughter.
NFC Cuckoo Land
Team | Wins | Losses |
Nashville Glaciers | 20 | 4 |
Tennessee Twerkers | 15 | 9 |
Cincinnati Concussions | 11 | 13 |
Arizona Assault Weapons | 8 | 16 |
Florida Sh*tstorm | 6 | 18 |
The expansion team Glaciers got their pick of the best players from the defunct AFL and correctional center draft. The only thing that could knock down the Glaciers is that five of their starters will be slowed down by ankle bracelets.
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