Written by Bob Eckstein
Editor’s Note: For legal reasons, portions of this conversation have been redacted.
Cartoon by Bob Eckstein
A Transcript of My First Date Since 2020
Me: Gail? Gail Bedarski?
Gail Bedarski: Yes, tthhhhh teen.
Me: Oh, good. I was starting to worry you wouldn’t show…
Gail Bedarski: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Me: Well you said you’d be wearing a coat and shoes but that didn’t narrow it down much…I approached two other women earlier.
Gail Bedarski: you must be Tim. You come here often?
Me: I didn’t have a recent picture so that is me when I had hair. But I’m wearing the same shirt.
Gail Bedarski: Yes, tthhhhh teen.
Me: And you look different from your profile.
Gail Bedarski: Jjakkkkk dffahhhs. Manna man you, Gahan nan manna.
Me: It IS bright in here. Especially for a beer garden. Do you drink?
Gail Bedarski: No. But I’m about to start.
Me: That’s funny. Well, no better time than the present.
Host: Feel free to sit where you want.
Gail Bedarski: Jam mma ma the.
Me: That’s for one. There’s a table over there…
Gail Bedarski: Jam mma ma the.
Me: Okay, then we can grab the one by the exit. Why don’t you take off your coat?
Gail Bedarski: An.
Me: I don’t bite. [pause] Unless you’re into that.
Gail Bedarski: Jam mma ma the.
Me: Wow, are you a personal trainer…or a body double…or something?
Gail Bedarski: He ann Adan. Amid Rhenish ama her man hey ther. Eh whew me a mama Amman Anna ehh a man mma Akkadian LLP. Ammma wwja ma Malala ahhhaa. Mask ma mama Jee ma lol mmaakak ma mmmaa, mama, ma ma….he and Sam’s am s mama.
Me: Wooo, I meant it as a compliment, please, no need to put your coat back on. It’s been a long time since I got out. I haven’t seen many bodies for awhile. [long awkward silence] What do you do for a living?
Gail Bedarski: My naaa mmaaka at ganne AASA.
Me: Get out. My sister works as an H.R., too. You’d like her. [long pause] She’s in great shape…
Gail Bedarski: He ann Adan. Amid Rhenish ama her man hey ther. Eh whew me a mama Amman Anna ehh a man mma Akkadian LLP. Ammma wwja ma Malala ahhhaa. Mask ma mama Jee ma lol mmaakak ma mmmaa, mama, ma ma….he and Sam’s am s mama.
Me: It was a joke.
Gail Bedarski: He ann Adan. Amid Rhenish ama her man hey ther. Eh whew me a mama Amman Anna ehh a man mma Akkadian LLP. Ammma wwja ma Malala ahhhaa. Mask ma mama Jee ma lol mmaakak ma mmmaa, m
Me: I think you misunderstood. Besides, she’s just my step-sister.
Gail Bedarski: He ann Adan. Amid Rhenish ama her man hey ther. Eh whew me a mama Amman Anna ehh a man mma Akkadian LLP. Ammma wwja ma Malala ahhhaa. Mask ma mama Jee ma lol mmaakak ma mmmaa, mama, ma ma….he and Sam’s am s mama.
Me: I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m looking for a strong independent woman who speaks her mind.
Gail Bedarski: haan nna I amm.
Me: I hear ya’. I have to get up early tomorrow, too. I have to in my line of work.
Gail Bedarski: Née, tthe nwnw me.
Me: No, don’t be afraid to ask. I open up a soup kitchen downtown. After I retired, I wanted to give back to the community.
Gail Bedarski: Me thee man.
Me: A Formula 1 race car driver.
Gail Bedarski: Me nat and am doing nndnn.
Me: No, my name wouldn’t come up in Google—I was a race car driver in Europe.
Gail Bedarski: Me thee man.
Me: Really? Well, no need to take out your iPhone—
Gail Bedarski: Me Ann Dede Jake manna Kia ma Amid Rhenish ama her man hey ther. Eh whew me a mama Amman Anna ehh a man mma Akkadian LLP. Ammma wwja ma Malala ahhhaa. Mask ma mama Jee ma lol mmaakak ma mmmaa, mama, ma ma….he and Sam’s am s mama.
Me: Yeah, I don’t know.
Gail Bedarski: Nhh mama nana.
Me: I lived in Bruges for a dozen years. I love Belgium. The culture, the wine, the waffles…
Gail Bedarski: Me thee man.
Me: Well, sure, I’m originally from Commack, Long Island.
Gail Bedarski: No man.
Me: I love your sense of humor. You should do stand-up…
Gail Bedarski: Me Ann Dede Jake manna Kia ma Amid Rhenish ama her man hey ther. Eh whew me a mama Amman Anna ehh a man mma Akkadian LLP. Ammma wwja ma Malala ahhhaa. Mask ma mama Jee ma lol mmaakak ma mmmaa, mama, ma ma….he and Sam’s am s mama.
Me: Yeah, I don’t like dating either. It’s rough out there.
Gail Bedarski: Me thee man
Me: Right, I meant here, too. [pause] What do you do for fun?
Gail Bedarski: Me thee man
Me: No, that doesn’t sound like fun. Really, four kids?…
Gail Bedarski: Me thee man
Me: I love kids.
Gail Bedarski: Me thee
Me: And three cats? Well, my place is small but thanks for the offer…
Gail Bedarski: Me thee
Me: Who said anything about Adele?
Gail Bedarski: Me thee man.
Me: No, you can take the call. It is funny how it’s exactly 8pm.
Gail Bedarski: Me thee [screaming into the phone, in a panic]
Me: There’s no heat at the house? And the babysitter saw a ghost?…And the smoke alarm is going off somewhere?
Gail Bedarski: Me thee
Me: That’s a lot happening over there.
Gail Bedarski: Me thee
Me: Well, you should go. Want me to go with you and help?
Gail Bedarski: Me thee
Me: Or not.
Gail Bedarski: Me thee
Me: So this is it? What I waited for these two years?
Gail Bedarski: Me thee
Me: Best we leave before the waiter comes back. I’m not sure how these apps work but I just received a text from eCompromise stating our date is over and would I please take a survey. Am I supposed to leave a review of you?
Gail Bedarski: Me theeMe thee man.
Me: I don’t even know what that means.
Gail Bedarski: MMe theeMe thee man.
Me: Right, we should not go out together.
Gail Bedarski: MMe theeMe thee man.
Me: I meant right now but okay, ever. We can do rock-paper-scissors to see who leaves first?
Gail Bedarski: Me theeMjj
Me: Okay, go use the restroom first.
[15 minutes later]
Waitress: Are you ready to order?
–END–
PS - Don't miss Bob Eckstein's upcoming book, The Complete Book of Cat Names (That Your Cat Won't Answer to, Anyway)
